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" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Successful
Man
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" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
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Buying
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Horse
" Humor is reason gone mad. "
Groucho Marx
Humor
Reason
Mad
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
Groucho Marx
Bed
Medical
Taxi
" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "
Groucho Marx
Sex
First
First Time
" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "
Groucho Marx
Intelligence
Military
Contradiction
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Looks
She
" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "
Groucho Marx
Saying
Communication
Me
" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "
Groucho Marx
Year
Got
Four
" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "
Groucho Marx
Long
Getting Older
You
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Had
Evening
Perfectly
" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
Groucho Marx
Jury
Wedding
Judge
" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
Groucho Marx
Animal
Black
Cat
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
Groucho Marx
You
Closer
Held
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
Groucho Marx
Own
Eyes
Me
" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "
Groucho Marx
Write
Book
Half
" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "
Groucho Marx
I See
Time
You
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Others
Principles
" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Refuse
Club
Funny
" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
Groucho Marx
Never
Morning
Elephant
" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
Groucho Marx
Library
Television
Say
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
Groucho Marx
Face
Never Forget
Never
" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "
Groucho Marx
Woman
Smoke
Always
" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "
Groucho Marx
Me
Marry
Never
" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Organization
Belong
Would
" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "
Groucho Marx
Know
You
Art
" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "
Groucho Marx
Born
Very
I Was Born
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Evening
Wonderful
Had
" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "
Groucho Marx
Children
Anything
She
" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
Groucho Marx
You
Way
Find
" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "
Groucho Marx
Justice
Military
Music