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" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
Groucho Marx
Own
Eyes
Me
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" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
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" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "
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Very
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" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "
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" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "
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" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
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Either
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" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "
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" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "
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" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "
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Say
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" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
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Poor
Whoever
Named
" Women should be obscene and not heard. "
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Obscene
Heard
Women
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
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Had
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Perfectly
" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
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" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "
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" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
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Fair
Life
Secret
" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "
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Always
" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "
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Justice
Military
Music
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
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Leaving
Weather
Raining
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
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Her
Looks
She
" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "
Groucho Marx
Wish
Contract
Our
" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
Groucho Marx
Buying
Hay
Horse
" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "
Groucho Marx
Intelligence
Military
Contradiction
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "
Groucho Marx
Started
America
Television
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
Groucho Marx
Myself
Life
Mind
" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
Groucho Marx
Library
Television
Say
" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "
Groucho Marx
Children
Anything
She
" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
Groucho Marx
Thirty
Days
You
" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
Groucho Marx
Jury
Wedding
Judge
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
Groucho Marx
Bed
Medical
Taxi
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
Groucho Marx
Today
Power
Me