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" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

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" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "