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" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
Groucho Marx
You
Way
Find
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" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "
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" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
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" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
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" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "
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" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "
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" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
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" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "
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" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "
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" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "
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" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
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" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
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Book
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" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
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Face
Never Forget
Never
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
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Own
Eyes
Me
" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "
Groucho Marx
Say
Important
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" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "
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Write
Book
Half
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
Groucho Marx
Leaving
Weather
Raining
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
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Bed
Medical
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" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
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Live
Who
Wants
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
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Today
Power
Me
" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
Groucho Marx
Buying
Hay
Horse
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
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You
Closer
Held
" Women should be obscene and not heard. "
Groucho Marx
Obscene
Heard
Women
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
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Her
Looks
She
" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "
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Man
Own
Women
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
Groucho Marx
Either
Dead
He
" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "
Groucho Marx
Long
Getting Older
You
" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
Groucho Marx
Fair
Life
Secret
" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "
Groucho Marx
Room
Go
Time
" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "
Groucho Marx
Doctor
Feeling
Golf
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down