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" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

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" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "