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" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
Steven Wright
Wave
Heat
You
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" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "
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" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
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" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
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" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "
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Help
" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
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Use
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" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
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Small
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" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
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" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
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" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
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Know
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" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "
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Like
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" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "
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Dressed
Jokes
Think
" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
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Car
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" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
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Employees
Coffee
Take
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
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" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
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Afraid
People
Me
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
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Chocolate
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Rest
" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
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Road
" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
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Speed
Turn
You
" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
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Remember
Book
Great
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
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Dead
End
Got
" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
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Hand
Night
Will
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
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Suspect
Curiosity
While
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
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Trapped
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People
" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "
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Got
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" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "
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Children
Be Nice
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" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
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Coffee
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Time
" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
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Down
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" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "
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Friends
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" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "
Steven Wright
Live
Far
Forever