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" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

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" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "