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" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

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" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "