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" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "