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" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
Steven Wright
Peer
Hermits
Pressure
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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
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" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "
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" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "
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" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
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" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
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" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
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" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "
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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
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" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "
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" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "
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" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "
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" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "
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" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "
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" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "
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" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
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" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "
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" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
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" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "
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" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "
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" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "
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" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
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" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
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" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "
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" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
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