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" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

Steven Wright

Comedy

Doing

Looks

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" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

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" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

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" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

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Dark

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

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Afraid

People

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

Steven Wright

Decided

Enough

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

Steven Wright

Writing

Autobiography

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

Steven Wright

Just

Life

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

Steven Wright

Wonder

Just

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

Steven Wright

Want

Them

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

Steven Wright

People

Thinking

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "