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" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "
Steven Wright
Body
Science Fiction
Science
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" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
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" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "
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Fast
Way
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" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
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" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "
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Doing
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Creative
" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
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Door
You
Yes
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
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Comedy
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Looks
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
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Me
Time
Mother
" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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Me
Wonder
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" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
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See
God
Would
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
Steven Wright
Become
Laugh
People
" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
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Extension
Cord
Invented
" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
Steven Wright
Fight
Same
Room
" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "
Steven Wright
Then
You
Succeed
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
Steven Wright
Think
Life
Looking
" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "
Steven Wright
You
Need
Experience
" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
Steven Wright
Now
Gone
Dog
" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
Steven Wright
Simple
Chain
Dollar
" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
Steven Wright
Remember
Book
Great
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
Steven Wright
Mind
Remember
Three
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
Steven Wright
Country
Live
Skiing
" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "
Steven Wright
Thought
Poetry
Everything
" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
Steven Wright
Imagination
Thought
Feeling
" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
Steven Wright
Small
Paint
World
" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "
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Should
Use
You
" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
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Funny
Included
Some
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "
Steven Wright
Circular
Get
He