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" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

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" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "