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" I know that I'm going to die and that you're going to die. I can't do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure. "

Chuck Palahniuk

Research

Story

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" You're only as good as your last haircut. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. "

" Of the big horror movies of the '70s, you have 'The Omen,' 'The Sentinel,' 'Rosemary's Baby,' 'The Stepford Wives,' 'Burnt Offerings' - these are all romantic fatalist movies where there's a sort of glimmer of hope... but darkness wins. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "

Joe E. Lewis

Drink

Funny

" Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. "

" A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. "

" It's funny: I was a photographer before I was a programmer. "

" Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. "

" If there had been zombies on the iceberg when the Titanic hit it, that would have made a much better movie. "

" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. "

" It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images. "

Johnny Depp

Things

Places

" If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. "

" To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. "

" 'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny. "

" It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. "

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

" Personal identity seems like it's just such an American archetype, from Holly Golightly re-inventing herself in 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' to Jay Gatsby in 'The Great Gatsby.' It seems like the sort of archetypal American issue. If you're given the freedom to be anything, or be anyone, what do you do with it? "

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness. "

" If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. "

" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "

Charles Dudley Warner

Anything

Funny

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