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" If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. "

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" If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. "

" I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That's how you know someone is clever. They don't come out and tell you pi to 13 places - they tell you a joke. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. "

" No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. "

" I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. "

" I don't mean to be funny. "

" If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. "

" I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. "

" There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. "

Henry Kissinger

" I'm thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know. "

" I like marriage. The idea. "

" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "

" My hope is that we can spread the word: Wonder Woman is not some unapproachable goddess. She's funny, dangerous, intimidating, brilliant, and compassionate. In many ways, I think she's the most human superheroine there is. "

" I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented. "

" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny. "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "

" Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. "

" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" I discovered that funny animal pictures - memes - would get a lot of likes and shares. "

" Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love. "

" Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. "

Cathy Guisewite

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "