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" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

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" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "