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" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

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" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" I don't have email. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "