Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

Related Quotes:

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I don't have email. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "