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" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

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" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" I don't have email. "