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" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "
" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "
" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "
" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "
" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "
" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "
" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "
" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "
" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "
" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "
" What a nice night for an evening. "
" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "
" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "