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" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

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" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "