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" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
Steven Wright
Work
You
Better
Related Quotes:
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Who
Those
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
Steven Wright
Me
Time
Mother
" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
Steven Wright
Been
Like
Selling
" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "
Steven Wright
Then
You
Succeed
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
Steven Wright
Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
Steven Wright
Remember
Book
Great
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
Steven Wright
Country
Live
Skiing
" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
Steven Wright
Mirror
Funny
Think
" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
Steven Wright
Caught
Year
Line
" I'm addicted to placebos. "
Steven Wright
Addicted
" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
Steven Wright
Me
Pet
Snakes
" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "
Steven Wright
Only
Lights
Like
" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "
Steven Wright
People
Think
Saying
" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
Steven Wright
Me
Wonder
Just
" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "
Steven Wright
Last Night
Night
Old
" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
Steven Wright
Me
Boat
Book
" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
Steven Wright
Car
He
Funeral
" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
Steven Wright
See
God
Would
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He
" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "
Steven Wright
You
Had
Like
" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
Steven Wright
Little
Only
Sand
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Off
Talk
" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "
Steven Wright
Like
Friend
Imagination
" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
Steven Wright
Down
Situation
My Life
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Night
Will
" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
Steven Wright
Afraid
People
Me
" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "
Steven Wright
Classroom
Friends
Laugh
" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "
Steven Wright
Like
Want
Them
" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "
Steven Wright
Company
Game
Wrong