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" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

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" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "