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" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

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" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

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" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "