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" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "

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" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "