Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

Related Quotes:

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "