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" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

Steven Wright

Illusion

Imagination

Think

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" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

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" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

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" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

Steven Wright

Only

Lights

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

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Other

Day

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

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West

Internet

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

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Boat

Book

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

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Wonder

Just

" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "