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" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
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" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "
Steven Wright
Kept
Mind
Daydream
" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
Steven Wright
Me
Pet
Snakes
" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "
Steven Wright
Same
Changed
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
Steven Wright
Too
Swimmer
Rest
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
Steven Wright
Dead
End
Got
" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "
Steven Wright
You
Running
Doing
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
Steven Wright
Look
Circus
Guy
" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
Steven Wright
Shy
Myself
Me
" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "
Steven Wright
Work
Hard Work
Success
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
Steven Wright
Think
Life
Looking
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He
" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "
Steven Wright
Fast
Way
Worry
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "
Steven Wright
Doing
Race
Think
" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "
Steven Wright
Me
Other
Day
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
Steven Wright
Other
Museums
Museum
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Off
Talk
" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
Steven Wright
Bad
Clear
Sign
" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "
Steven Wright
Someone
Good
Hard
" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "
Steven Wright
Writing
Autobiography
" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
Steven Wright
Window
Way
Play
" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
Steven Wright
Car
He
Funeral
" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "
Steven Wright
Need
Know
I Can
" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
Steven Wright
Fight
Same
Room
" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "
Steven Wright
You
Need
Experience
" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "
Steven Wright
Make A Difference
Always
Difference
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
Steven Wright
Chocolate
Sacrifice
Rest
" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
Steven Wright
Imagination
Thought
Feeling
" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
Steven Wright
Time
Breakfast
Renaissance
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
Steven Wright
Me
Time
Mother