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" What a nice night for an evening. "

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" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "