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" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "
David Sedaris
Writing
Started
Years
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" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "
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" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "
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" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "
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" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "
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" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "
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" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "
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Adventure
Bike
" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "
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Interesting
Life
" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "
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" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "
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Truth Is
Myself
Think
" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "
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Like
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Will
" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "
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Long
Change
Got
" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "
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Like
Iron
Listening
" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "
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Myself
Uncomfortable
Yourself
" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "
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Books
Sometimes
Read
" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "
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Guilty
Books
Pleasure
" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "
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Winning
Said
Morning
" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "
David Sedaris
Me
Lots
Things
" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "
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Than
Should
Try
" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "
David Sedaris
Time
Birthday
Mind
" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "
David Sedaris
How
Big
Laughs
" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "
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Feel
Sometimes
Mouth
" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "
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You
Comic
How
" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "
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People
Culture
Hate
" I love 'Glee.' "
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Love
I Love
Glee
" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "
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Books
Like
Nonfiction
" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "
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Own
Thoughts
Being
" But most good movies have a gun in them. "
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Good
Them
Movies
" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "
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Movies
Go
Everything
" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "
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" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "
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Family