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" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

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" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I don't have email. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

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" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "