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" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

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" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "