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" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

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" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "