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" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

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" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

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" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

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" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

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" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

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" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

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