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" Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. "

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" If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye. "

" A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around. "

" I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. "

" Life is full of horrible mistakes. "

" Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff. "

" Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. "

" I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know? "

" When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. "

" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

" Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. "

" Perception is created and twisted so quickly. "

" Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. "

" People don't talk to me on airplanes. "

" For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. "

" It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. "

" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

" A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. "

" You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented. "

" I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. "

" Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me. "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" I don't have a brother in real life. "

" There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' "

" Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "