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" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

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" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "