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" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

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" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "