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" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

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" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "