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" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

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" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

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" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "