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" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

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" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "