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" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

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" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "