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" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

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" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "