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" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "
Dave Barry
Own
Who
Public
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" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "
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" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "
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" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "
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Patriotism
Feel
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" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "
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Case
Care
" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "
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Believe
Company
" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "
Dave Barry
Face
Down
Trees
" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "
Dave Barry
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Own
" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "
Dave Barry
Variety
Point
Little
" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "
Dave Barry
War
Been
Fan
" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "
Dave Barry
World
Teen
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" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "
Dave Barry
Never
Business
Taxes
" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "
Dave Barry
You
Only
Once
" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "
Dave Barry
Tell
You
High School
" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "
Dave Barry
Playing
Always
Ball
" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "
Dave Barry
American
Fat
Problem
" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "
Dave Barry
Seafood
Trust
Kind
" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "
Dave Barry
Good
Become
Children
" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "
Dave Barry
Personal
You
Better
" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "
Dave Barry
Person
Depressing
He
" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "
Dave Barry
Again
Skills
People
" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "
Dave Barry
Guy
Never
Assume
" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "
Dave Barry
You
Race
Meetings
" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "
Dave Barry
Society
Internet
Future
" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "
Dave Barry
Know
Rich
Today
" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
Dave Barry
Coffee
Rice
Only
" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "
Dave Barry
Life
Anything
Dies
" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "
Dave Barry
Religion
Problem
People
" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "
Dave Barry
Nothing
Always
Car
" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "
Dave Barry
Color
Eye
Information
" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "
Dave Barry
Gravity
Falling
Accidents