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" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

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" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "