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" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

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" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "