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" The fact is I'm choosy, but mainly about a man's character. He has to be interesting, funny and clever. I don't even mind if he's not very good-looking. "

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" I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. "

" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "

" I've always got on with lads, more than I have with girls. "

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" I have an unfortunate personality. "

" The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. "

" A rich man's joke is always funny. "

Thomas Edward Brown

" I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. "

Douglas Coupland

" You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am. "

" Does it bother me that I'm attached to 'Three's Company' 30 years after? Not at all. All we were trying to do was be funny. How can I complain? That's all I wanted to do. "

" What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. "

" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "

" Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. "

" I like children - fried. "

" It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. "

" I run around my house naked with heels all the time. It's so funny. "

Mary-Kate Olsen

" At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" I can resist everything except temptation. "

" If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. "

" I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' "