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" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "
Dave Barry
Again
Skills
People
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" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "
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" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "
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" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "
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" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "
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" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "
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" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "
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" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "
Dave Barry
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" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "
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" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "
Dave Barry
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God
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" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "
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" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "
Dave Barry
You
Violence
Seeing
" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "
Dave Barry
Face
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" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
Dave Barry
You
Everything
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" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "
Dave Barry
Oregon
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" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "
Dave Barry
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" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "
Dave Barry
Nothing
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" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "
Dave Barry
Old
Your
Advice
" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "
Dave Barry
Car
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" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "
Dave Barry
Know
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I Am
" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "
Dave Barry
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" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "
Dave Barry
You
Dance
Nobody
" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "
Dave Barry
Words
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" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "
Dave Barry
You
Only
Once
" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "
Dave Barry
Breasts
Now
Stupid
" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "
Dave Barry
Right
You
Stupid
" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "
Dave Barry
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Women
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" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "
Dave Barry
War
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Fan
" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "
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" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "
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Know
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Today
" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "
Dave Barry
Here
Case
Care