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" The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. "

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" The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans. "

Malin Akerman

Gentleman

You

Husband

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "

Lucille Ball

Humor

Brave

" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "

" Too much agreement kills a chat. "

" If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. "

" It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!' "

" We're a phenomenally snobby society, and it's such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. "

" It's funny; it's a real balancing act. In TV, everybody's talking about authenticity. In order to make 'Dirty Jobs' authentic, I really can't be overly informed. The minute I am, I become a host... It's a very tricky business paying a tribute to work, because TV is very bad at it. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

Funny

Rudeness

" I love being able to create something from the page and bring it to life. "

" Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. "

" Funny you mention my dinner parties when I have just suggested that inviting close friends over to share a meal with candlelight and wine at your table could be a form of religious experience for some people. To me it's a form of sacrament. "

" Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

Lewis Black

Funny

" Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. "

Edward Abbey

Funny

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

Think

Roots

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

Demetri Martin

Funny

Kid

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. "

" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" You know, what's funny to one person is not at all to someone else. "

" What I love doing is taking my dog for runs. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

" I grew up, probably like a lot of people, on cartoons. And I never thought I would have the chance to be in an animated movie. It's good also to show the world my sweet side with them. "

" I didn't understand key signatures or anything, you know. I'd say silly things at the top of a trumpet part like, 'Note, when you play B naturals, make the B naturals a half step lower because they sound funny if they're B naturals.' And some guy said: 'Idiot, just put a flat on the third line and it's a key signature, you know?' "

" There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny. "

" We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species. "

" I like children - fried. "

W. C. Fields

Children

Fried