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" I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. "

Leonardo DiCaprio

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" I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. "

" If my mother hadn't laughed at the funny things I did, I probably wouldn't be a comic actor. After she had her first heart attack, the doctor said, 'Try to make her laugh.' And that was the first time I tried to make anyone laugh. "

" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "

" Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. "

Abraham Lincoln

" Too much agreement kills a chat. "

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" Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. "

" All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. "

" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

" Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. "

" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "

" No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. "

Abraham Lincoln

" Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. "

" Every dogma has its day. "

Anthony Burgess

" The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it's a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" 'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. "

" I'm not funny. What I am is brave. "

" I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. "

" You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. "

" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "

" My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? "

" Some call-in moderators are neutral and courteous. Then there's Rush Limbaugh, who is funny and pompous and a scapegoater and hatemonger. His popularity could cause you to draw some terrible conclusions about the state of mind of the American people. It helps to remember that Bill Cosby is popular, too. "

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" I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "