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" Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. "

P. G. Wodehouse

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" I'm for whatever gets you through the night. "

" I know that I'm going to die and that you're going to die. I can't do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure. "

Chuck Palahniuk

" Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. "

" Instant gratification takes too long. "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids. "

" There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' "

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. "

" I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. "

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage. "

" Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. "

" Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you're in trouble. "

" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "

" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "

" When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "

" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

" It's funny how seeing a love story never gets boring, because it's the dream, isn't it? It's the dream to have a true connection with another human being. "