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" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

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" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "